


Mad Ironies

by kiriya



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Humanstuck, pesterlogs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-25
Updated: 2016-02-25
Packaged: 2018-05-23 02:21:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6101590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiriya/pseuds/kiriya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave sets Karkat up on a "blind" date.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mad Ironies

 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG]began pestering carinoGenticist [CG] \--  
  
TG: attention worthless human this is your god speaking  
CG: YES, DAVE. YOU ARE CORRECT. I AM NOTHING BUT YOUR HUMBLE SERVANT.  
CG: I AM ON MY KNEES IN PRAISE, KISSING THE APPLE JUICE STAINS YOU SO GRACIOUSLY SPILLED ON MY CARPET, BECAUSE IT IS A PART OF YOUR DIVINE CREATION.  
CG: YOU ARE MY GOD, DAVE. IT'S YOU.  
CG: _IN YOUR DREAMS._  
TG: my heart bleeds that the disciple whom i most love has been corrupted by this human disease called sarcasm  
CG: I'M SORRY. WHAT WAS THAT?  
CG: DID YOU NEED ME TO FETCH YOU ICE FOR THAT BURN, MY LORD?  
TG: nah this burn can only be healed when you atone for your sins.  
CG:HOW MAY BE OF SERVICE, YOUR GRACE? I LIVE TO SERVE YOU.  
TG: post-pone your next romcom binge with egbert and clear your plans for friday night  
CG: LIKE THAT BUCK-TOOTHED WAD OF FUCK WAS EVEN GONNA BOTHER SHOWING.  
TG: hey dont hate on my good bro john  
TG: he doesn't come to your chick flick marathons anymore because you use them as an excuse to bitch about your own issues  
TG: all you do is whine about how unrealistic they are and blame them for giving you high expectations  
TG: it's not their fault you cant hold a girl for shit  
CG: SCREW YOU, I'M A EXPERT WHEN IT COMES TO MATTERS OF THE HEART.  
CG: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW MANY TIMES OUR FRIENDS HAVE BUZZED ME TO CLEAN UP THIER MESSES IN THE ROMANCE AISLE.  
TG: and yet when was the last time you had a relationship that lasted more than a week?  
TG: admit it youre a fail at romance  
TG: like last night man the bartender was giving you bedroom eyes all night but you were too busy complaining about how desperate you are and how you screwed over your first relationship in like first grade wtf  
CG: TOILETS EVERYWHERE WEEP IN ENVY BECAUSE YOU ARE MORE FULL OF SHIT THAN THEY ARE.  
TG: really because the designated driver (me) vividly recalls you telling me about nepeta leijon giving you goo-goo eyes in math class  
TG: since it made you feel all fuzzy you pushed her off a swing because yes of course being mean to a girl will make them like you  
TG: her big brother equius gave you a black eye and then kanaya's mom was so pissed at you for thinking about girls like that she slapped you so hard your brother could feel it  
CG: KANAYA TOLD YOU THAT. THERE IS NO WAY YOU COULD HAVE KNOWN ALL THAT.  
TG: its all you talked about last night  
TG: its about time for an intervention  
CG: I DON'T NEED AN INTERVENTION.  
TG: im getting you a blind date  
CG: WITH WHO?  
TG: a friend of mine.  
CG: I WAS HOPING YOU'D GO MORE IN DEPTH THAN THAT.  
TG: dont worry man im sure you two will get along shes super cool  
TG: get out your sundays best im booking you two lovebirds reservations somewhere classy  
CG: I'M SURE KANAYA WILL INSIST ON ME TAKING ONE OF HER LATEST PET PROJECTS FOR A TEST RUN.  
TG: cool beans.  
TG: ill hmu with later with the deets  
  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carinoGenticist [CG] \--  
  
\-- carinoGenticist [CG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--  
  
EB: karkat!  
CG: HEY.  
EB: um, not that i'm glad to hear from you and all but  
EB: aren't you with your blind date?  
EB: i don't want to to hog all your attention!  
CG: NO, EVERYONE AROUND ME THINKS I'M A TOTAL TOOL. COURTESY OF KANAYA, I LOOK LIKE I JUST STEPPED OUT OF OF _DOUCHEBAG QUARTERLY_ , SITTING ALONE AT A TABLE FOR TWO I WOULD NEVER REALISTICALLY BE ABLE TO AFFORD IF DAVE WASN'T FOOTING THE BILL WITH HIS DILDO PUPPET INHEIRETENCE.  
CG: THIS IS SUCH A HORRIBLE IDEA. THIS IS LIKE THE FIRST THING IN THE BOOK OF DATING DON'TS. I'M SETTING HER EXPECTATIONS TOO HIGH.  
EB: did you just pester to me to complain becaaaaause  
CG: NO. I'VE COME FOR INFORMATION.  
CG: TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT MY DATE, AND DON'T THINK FOR A SECOND I DOUBT THAT YOUR BUTT BUDDY DAVE DIDN'T TELL YOUR EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SCHEME OF HIS.  
EB: its not a scheme karkat, jeez! :p  
EB: dave is your friend and he wants you to find someone and be happy!  
CG: I'D BE HAPPIER IF I KNEW THAT A REAL GIRL IS GONNA WALK THROUGH THAT DOOR AND NOT DAVE IN DRAG.  
EB: she is a beautiful young woman named becky who works under a pseudonym as a finanical journalist for a successful magazine.  
EB: but she is a compulsive liar and her growing popularity makes it harder for her to cover up that she owes about twice her salary in debt.  
CG: THAT'S THE PLOT OF _CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC_ , YOU FUCKING IGNORAMUS.  
EB: hehe.  
CG: THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU I AM NOT JUST GOING TO KILL YOU. I WILL RIP OUT YOUR SPINE, WRAP IT IN A BOW IT, AND SEND IT TO YOUR FATHER FOR CHRISTMAS.  
EB: you are so gross.  
CG: IT'S AN ABSOLUTE MIRACLE THAT BETWEEN STRIDER'S MAD IRONY, ROSE'S SNARKY HORSESHIT, SOLLUX'S PUN AFFINITY, AND YOUR PRANKSTER'S GAMBIT, I HAVEN'T DONE AN ACROBATIC PIROUETTE OFF THE NEAREST CLIFF.  
CG: KANAYA AND JADE WIN. THEY ARE THE ONLY SANE ONES OF US LEFT.  
EB: karkat they're aren't any cliffs where we live  
CG: OH MY GOD. HE'S DEAD.  
CG: DAVE STRIDER I AM GOING TO KILL HIM.  
EB: ???  
  
\-- carinoGenticist [CG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--  
  
\-- carinoGenticist [CG] blocked turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
  
Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you have just fallen victim to your best friend's mad irony. Kanaya's efforts to compose the perfect outfit for you have gone to waste.  
  
"Hi, Karkat," She said, with a large, toothy grin. "My name is Terezi."  
  
Your blind date has arrived and she is actually blind.

 


End file.
